So much has happened since I last posted that I don't know where to begin... but I'll try and fill everything in as best as I can:
The week before Christmas I was hospitalized voluntarily to be put on suicide watch. I realized that I was feeling very suicidal and did not want to kill myself (because I know that life is precious even if it feels hopeless sometimes). It was the first time I've been in a psych ward or in some way been taken out of the rat race to relax that actually helped. I felt much calmer and much more positive upon leaving and heading into the holidays.
R and I spent our holiday in Texas seeing my mother's side of the family. This was positive in many ways but brought up a lot of stuff for both of us. I ruminated on the decisions I'd made that had taken me to this point, as well as my parents' (especially father's) disregard for my poor life choices. R compared his own family to mine it seemed and felt the loneliness of being rejected by his family yet them still expecting him to accept them and care about them. We are at very different points in this path, but we both are trying to work it all out as best we can. Of course, I drowned my sorrows in hydrocodone syrup and pills of all sorts, while he did his speed and pulled on his e-cig day after day. We did our best to get through the highs and lows together. Overall I enjoyed my time there, especially reconnecting with a cousin who hadn't acknoledged my presence in years (verging on a decade it seems like), but now that she is off of heroin (didn't know she was on it) she was really warm and actually really cool to talk to. It's sad that she went through something like that for us to reconnect, but at least she's on suboxone now. I've been dwelling on this reconnection a lot, and I'm sure it will come up again later in my musings.
For New Year's Eve, R and I dropped two and a half tabs each which was glorious. However, our original plan to go to see our friend's play with our other friends who were doing sound turned out to be unsettling for R--as well as being in the backseat for the scariest ride of my life (and the driver was sober). The house we entered to go to the show was full of people and strobe lights and smoke, dudes with dreads and others with pristene baseball hats turned to the side came at us from all angles, and others called out offering drugs for free or for sale. I was mesmerized by everything around us, and felt as if I was inside some skit from 90s SNL, while R began to quietly freak out beside me. I had been convinced that if either of us were to freak out, it'd be me considering the events of the past few weeks. Luckily, two of our friends showed up to save the day, and picked us up before the music started, returning us to our car. After some sobering up (and seeing a neighbor watching us through his window), we headed back to Queens for a quiet night in, tripping in the serenity of our apartment--we were even able to see the fireworks from our window.
Now that life is mostly back to normal I've been trying to get our apartment cleaned up and get myself back on course. Okay, so the apartment cleaning has not been going well and is beginning to bare down on me now that there is no room in the sink left for dishes. That's barely the tip of the iceberg of chores/responsibilities I need to take care of but have not started dealing with. I know it's bad, but I have been taking my meds daily and talking to my therapist which is in my parents'/doctors' eyes the most important thing (aka taking care of my mental health). I don't know how well I'm doing at that but at least I'm doing something.
The tea is kicking and the temperature is so low (-8 when I went outside at 5am for breakfast, now it's 4 degrees at 9:45am) even in my apartment that I can't deny myself the joy of crawling back under the covers. I will write more later on today.
-Lucy
