Pain rips through my feet and ripples up my legs... this is what a 6 hour shift on your feet will get you, besides the minimum wage paycheck. Also having arthritis (what fun!!), one of my many medical problems.
Sitting here in our upstairs living room, my toes dig into the worn down carpet and my body slumps across the couch. My blood pulses full of kratom, it's powerful andd intoxicating. It doesn't help my pain, but it does feel good. The warm yellow light makes my eyes ache, yet I continue to write--I miss writing. Even the sound of clicking keys and the page slowly filling up with words, trickling down to the bottom. Maybe I'll take some more kratom, why not? I have off for two more days, it's glorious.
I can hear my parents TV from the downstairs room, it blares loudly so my father can make out the sounds. Sometimes it gets so loud, the vibrating voices and music penetrate our bedroom and I have to tell him to turn it down--a strange role reversal. But I'd rather hear their TV, than it go silent.
More kratom, and my heart begins to race again. It's my only goal. I can't wait to get out of this house and get an apartment of our own again--just the rabbit, R, and myself. It's nice being home with the great home cooked meals, the company of my parents, and the comfort of a sturdy support system. It doesn't change what I am though. No matter what ties me to others, I know that the only label I tie to myself is junky. Shitty word, for a shitty person, but I know who I am. I have gotten to a place where I am functioning, but I have no desire to cut this out. Why stop doing one of my most beloved pass times?
Heat rises up my back and onto my face, as a soft sweat coats my pink cheeks. Might have to throw some more on top of the buzz I already had. The room seems to get foggy beyond my laptop and coffee table, it hugs the room and myself in this warm bliss.
Life may be mundane right now, but it feels great.
Love,
Lucy
P.S. I'll write more again, I promise. I need it for my sanity.
