Oh the Brain Zaps!

My doctor never got back to me, so now I'm going cold turkey off of 225 mg of Effexor. This is day 3. My nerves send shocks down from the top of my skull out through my finger tips or feet, it happens whenever I turn my head or take a step. Whenever I eat, my stomach clenches a within 20 minutes, and my body empties out everything I put in. My sleep, unsurprisingly, hasn't changed from 12 to 14 hours a day, but it now makes me feel a bit better to sleep that long. My dreams are strange like normal. I feel emotionally better, like I'm doing the right thing, besides the occasional moments of deep sadness--the way you feel when you think about a loved one or pet, who is recently deceased, like there is no way that hole they have created can ever be filled. I want to get off of this shit though, and be free. It is also dangerous because antidepressants have been linked to a higher incidence of diabetes, which my family has a history of (and my father was recently diagnosed with). I think what bothers me the most is the feeling of weakness that comes with the "brain zaps" and the feeling that my eyes are kind of rattling in my skull, like I'm not in full control of them.

I guess doing cocaine and smoking weed while getting off of them is probably not recommended. Then again, I never stopped while I was on them, so stopping once off of them, seems stupid. One thing that is helping is watching dumb/comedic shows on TV, laughing and enjoying myself is making me feel a lot better.`Tonight my boyfriend (R) is taking me to the movies to see the Great Gatsby and to dinner. I'm so excited! We haven't been to the movies in months, and the Great Gatsby looks great. I'm not so sure how 3-D is going to effect me, but hopefully it won't fuck with me too much. I'm not sure what kind of food we should get, I've been really feeling Italian lately, but I'd be down for anything besides Mexican or Indian (my stomach already has enough to deal with).

I figure taking this day by day and dealing with the withdrawal effects will be so worth it in the end, that I might as well make the best of it and try to be positive.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekends!
- Lucy

If you're a junky and you know it, clap your....

I'm detoxing off of effexor and cocaine. Effexor is my anti-depressant. I've decided that I might as well not take it if I'm fucking myself up on drugs all the time anyway. I keep getting these nerve shocks in my brain, they feel as if someone has shot electricity through my forehead. Could also be that I beat myself in the head multiple times last night.

Yeah, I wasn't taking not doing coke well. 2nd day without it, and I've finally calmed down.

Only a fucking week and a half straight on that shit, and being away from it really makes me want to blow my brains out. That's a bad sign, or that's a good drug, depending on how you look at it. R doesn't want to believe that I'm like this, that taking me away from a drug could cause this. He blames himself, and tells me I couldn't do drugs without him. But if he didn't realize by  now, if he didn't realize when I told him about my monumental pill habit in high school, if he didn't realize it when he did drugs with me, then I don't know why he'd realize now.

It makes me feel worse when he blames himself. It also makes me mad. First, I don't want anyone to feel bad for the mistakes I've made because they are MY mistakes. It also denies me any individuality or power, as if I was so stupid I would follow him off the cliff.

We can't afford to stay high forever and pay rent. But I wish we could. Maybe one day.

Stay safe
- Lucy

Fuck logic...

Want to get fucked up all of the time, all of the time, ALL OF THE TIME.

We've probably spent 1,000 bucks on coke. A week long binge between the two of us and his tax refund has come to a close. But even though we're trying to stop (so that we can see our mother's for mother's day without being tweaked out) I want more. I am getting that feeling that I used to when I would run out of oxy. That sinking feeling coupled with an unreasonable need. Unreasonable because JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE SPENT A GRAND ON GRAMS. It's our first big big big drug-money splurge. I'm working an over time week this week so we're not too concerned. And he's getting another refund check, and there is still more left of his refund.

Right now I don't give a fuck, I just want coke. I don't care that it's a horrible idea or that it will drain our bank accounts or that it'll ruin our lives or that I know I will read this one day and regret it, I just fucking want another gram.

It's good I don't have the dealers number. Or I'd have spent the money he gave me for a part of the rent. I could get 4 grams. More than enough for the weekend. He doesn't realize that I'm junky scum and when I'm plied with drugs, the scummier parts float to the surface. I fall back on being manipulative, deceitful, and greedy. The only saving grace is that I'm smart enough to have a plan to fix it. I don't think I could spend the money, but right now, if I could, I wouldddd. I guess that I mean I could.

I'm working a 50 hour week right now, which means I get over time, which means a lot of extra cash, as well as a job from my dad. Together I should have about an extra paycheck worths which is great. Hopefully I can save it... or spend it on coke.

Right now both sound good.

- Lucy