Every rib hurts. The tips of my shoulder blades. The dip in my back. Tender to the touch, as if I've become a giant bruise. Even my tits hurt. Down to 5mg of Oxymorphone er twice a day and it's pushed me into a spiral of excruciating pain.
I'm avoiding taking my oxycodone... as per usual, the beginning of the month, I dove into the bottle freely. Now, I've trapped myself into only being able to take 2 pills a day to last me to my appointment in 10 days. Even then, I'll still be without pills for 2 days. I have plenty of oxymorphone because I couldn't find my dosage at any stores near me. That meant I didn't fill my prescription for another 3 days after my appointment, leaving me with a couple days surplus until I see the doctor again.
At least it's Saturday. The apartment is warm and comforting, bathed in the low lights from our many lamps. The building was built in the 70s, when it was common not to have overhead lights built in. Instead, there are outlets across the walls attached to the light switch. I prefer my lamps, the soft glow spreads across the apartment, carrying a homey sense.
I can't lie down. Whenever my body touches any surface, the pressure hits me as if I'm pushing on a deep bruise.
------------
Only 4 days until my appointment. 3 really, if you don't count the day of. I'm sated.
Our friends, suddenly pulling out a tiny bag of coke from an inner pocket, was so easily tempting. Crisper and sweeter than the juiciest apple, but I resisted. Instead, I blew another oxymorphone on top of the one I had snorted hours earlier.
Now, mixed with the tequila, vodka, and beer, I'm high enough not to care. They left a few minutes ago, and I'm now in that sweet spot of alcohol and opioids. Whatever powder has dripped down the back of my throat, has dissolved into oblivion. The opioid receptors running along my spinal column, brain stem, and appendage are filled.
I mean, I might have to get up in 5 hours in order to do some early voting. But, fuck it.
The present must be enjoyed--first and foremost. The nauseating hangover that will hit soon enough is a distant problem. Unlike the drug test which I will pass with flying colors, having escaped the dangers of coming up positive for cocaine.
A doctor has confronted me with that once. Technically, it happened on 2 drug tests in a row. The first one he did not tell me about, only bringing it up after the second positive (one month later). In my shock and horror, I told the weak lie that I must've been drugged by friends--perhaps due to some mixed into the punch? As if I hadn't put the dollar bill up my own nose, taking that line swiftly, with a deftness practiced from years of pulling powder..
Yes, I know the danger of mixing opioids and alcohol.
The real question is: do I believe this will kill me (like it has so many others)?
The simple answer is, obviously, no. Everyday, for the thousands of days I've done this, I bet that my brain's desire to breath is stronger than the pull of the drugs to cease my chest from expanding.
Even now, my muscles are tense in my legs--soon I will take a tizanidine to release them from their tense state.
The nausea is just an annoyance.
Like the room spinning and my head pounding.
But, I didn't do any of the coke they offered me. I controlled myself, seeing the consequences clearly before me.
Thank god. For once I was strong enough to see the future consequences, and not risk coming up positive--dooming me to painful withdrawals. Even if I snort my oxymorphone and mix it in a belly full of liquor, at least I didn't put that coke up my nose.
As long as I wake up in the morning, it'll be evidence that I've matured enough to see the obvious dangers in my actions.
But damn: a bump of that coke would've been so right.
However, now it's time to sleep.
Love you all,
Lucy
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Friday, October 12, 2018
High as I Am
I had my pain management appointment the other day. It took forever for the PA to come in--never a good sign. She immediately asked me what was wrong, how I was doing etc.., and then without much of a preface she said: "Your last drug test came up positive for morphine. Do you know why that might be?"
I could feel my heart racing. That stupid shitty poppy seed tea could be the only explanation. It didn't even get me high, leaving my legs and arms feeling like they had become thick pudding. I wanted to die right there. Slip into the floor and disappear.
"That doesn't make any sense. It shouldn't be there. I don't understand."
"I agree, it shouldn't be there." She smiled at her computer screen, as she quickly typed.
"The only thing I could think of is eating some poppy seeds muffins maybe. I do eat a lot of pastries..."
"That would come up with a metabolite for cocaine."
No. No it couldn't. Not unless you're making some new type of cocaine that I've never tried. Where the fuck are you getting your poppy seeds from, bitch? Because I know that the morphine came from poppy seed tea... not that I'd tell you that...
"I don't know then, I'm really confused."
"Well, we're going to drug test you again today. If it comes up positive or there are other anomalies, we won't be able to prescribe you anymore opioid medications."
"I understand that completely." Calm down. Steady yourself. Do not seem to buck at the prospect of paying another $140 fucking dollars for this test. Because you know you don't have the money for it, but the pills are far more important than money. Without them, you might as well lie down and plan to die.
"When do you want to do more injections?"
"I'm working down my deductible. The last ones were over $1000, so I want to wait until it'll be a little less expensive."
"I can understand that." She chuckled. "Anything else I can do for you today?"
"No, the taper is kinda hard, I'm definitely in a bit more pain than before. But I'm okay overall."
"Alright sweety," I'm not your sweety "I'll see you in 4 weeks then! Take care."
"Thanks! See you then."
I walked out and grabbed a paper bag with my name on it. The plastic cup was inside. Luckily, my bladder was so full I pissed until it started to dribble down the sides. It was nice, clear yellow--obviously I've been keeping hydrated.
I appreciate that the office gives you a paper bag to put your "specimen" in, as opposed to walking around with a lost look on my face, a cup of hot urine in hand.
To find the new dosage of my oxymorphone er, I had to drive around to a pharmacy on the north side of town. I'm down to 5mg twice a day. 50% tapered down now in a month. Tiny, round, lilac tablets all waiting to be swallowed or railed.
The other night realize now that I have no idea what the goal is at the end of this. Is it to take me off long acting opioids for good and rely solely on my oxycodone for breakthrough pain? Or is this simply meant to keep me line with the CDC guidelines? If it's the latter, then we won't need to taper down anymore--my meds are equivalent to the 90 MME (morphine milligram equivalent) which they recommend.
This whole taper has made me realize that I don't want to go off opioids. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without them. Who would I be without my chemical compatriots? What would I use as my respite from the day's many let downs?
I'm high as I type this, head heavy with the 5mg oxymorphone I shoved up my nose, and the 20mg of oxycodone I washed down with Mountain Dew right as I got in the car after work. I'm scared about what it would mean to suddenly be yanked off my drugs of choice. The withdrawal would be unbearable and scares me almost as much as the thought of sobriety. There's not enough loperamide in this world that could keep me well. My tolerance is so high that even when I tried heroin I found it to be shitty compared to my pills.
For a moment, I close my eyes and felt the world sway around me. It's amazing how much euphoria can flow through the body all at once. It swells with each drag on my cigarette. The menthol resonates on the back of my tongue. Sugar from the gummy bears I've been eating mixes with it to create a foul chemical taste. But in my current state I barely care.
If only this state could be reached without the use of chemicals, I'd never touch a pill again. But, without them, I have no idea how to get to this place of infinite peace. That glowing pleasure that ricochets from my skull to my crotch, down my legs, and back up again. Cycling through my body in an infinite loop of joy.
I can only hope that, if you're reading this, you're (as) high (as I am right now).
I could feel my heart racing. That stupid shitty poppy seed tea could be the only explanation. It didn't even get me high, leaving my legs and arms feeling like they had become thick pudding. I wanted to die right there. Slip into the floor and disappear.
"That doesn't make any sense. It shouldn't be there. I don't understand."
"I agree, it shouldn't be there." She smiled at her computer screen, as she quickly typed.
"The only thing I could think of is eating some poppy seeds muffins maybe. I do eat a lot of pastries..."
"That would come up with a metabolite for cocaine."
No. No it couldn't. Not unless you're making some new type of cocaine that I've never tried. Where the fuck are you getting your poppy seeds from, bitch? Because I know that the morphine came from poppy seed tea... not that I'd tell you that...
"I don't know then, I'm really confused."
"Well, we're going to drug test you again today. If it comes up positive or there are other anomalies, we won't be able to prescribe you anymore opioid medications."
"I understand that completely." Calm down. Steady yourself. Do not seem to buck at the prospect of paying another $140 fucking dollars for this test. Because you know you don't have the money for it, but the pills are far more important than money. Without them, you might as well lie down and plan to die.
"When do you want to do more injections?"
"I'm working down my deductible. The last ones were over $1000, so I want to wait until it'll be a little less expensive."
"I can understand that." She chuckled. "Anything else I can do for you today?"
"No, the taper is kinda hard, I'm definitely in a bit more pain than before. But I'm okay overall."
"Alright sweety," I'm not your sweety "I'll see you in 4 weeks then! Take care."
"Thanks! See you then."
I walked out and grabbed a paper bag with my name on it. The plastic cup was inside. Luckily, my bladder was so full I pissed until it started to dribble down the sides. It was nice, clear yellow--obviously I've been keeping hydrated.
I appreciate that the office gives you a paper bag to put your "specimen" in, as opposed to walking around with a lost look on my face, a cup of hot urine in hand.
To find the new dosage of my oxymorphone er, I had to drive around to a pharmacy on the north side of town. I'm down to 5mg twice a day. 50% tapered down now in a month. Tiny, round, lilac tablets all waiting to be swallowed or railed.
The other night realize now that I have no idea what the goal is at the end of this. Is it to take me off long acting opioids for good and rely solely on my oxycodone for breakthrough pain? Or is this simply meant to keep me line with the CDC guidelines? If it's the latter, then we won't need to taper down anymore--my meds are equivalent to the 90 MME (morphine milligram equivalent) which they recommend.
This whole taper has made me realize that I don't want to go off opioids. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without them. Who would I be without my chemical compatriots? What would I use as my respite from the day's many let downs?
I'm high as I type this, head heavy with the 5mg oxymorphone I shoved up my nose, and the 20mg of oxycodone I washed down with Mountain Dew right as I got in the car after work. I'm scared about what it would mean to suddenly be yanked off my drugs of choice. The withdrawal would be unbearable and scares me almost as much as the thought of sobriety. There's not enough loperamide in this world that could keep me well. My tolerance is so high that even when I tried heroin I found it to be shitty compared to my pills.
For a moment, I close my eyes and felt the world sway around me. It's amazing how much euphoria can flow through the body all at once. It swells with each drag on my cigarette. The menthol resonates on the back of my tongue. Sugar from the gummy bears I've been eating mixes with it to create a foul chemical taste. But in my current state I barely care.
If only this state could be reached without the use of chemicals, I'd never touch a pill again. But, without them, I have no idea how to get to this place of infinite peace. That glowing pleasure that ricochets from my skull to my crotch, down my legs, and back up again. Cycling through my body in an infinite loop of joy.
I can only hope that, if you're reading this, you're (as) high (as I am right now).
Thursday, October 11, 2018
On Boofing:
Side note (for all of my non-drug savvy friends): boofing is a term for rectally administering drugs. Whatever Bret Kavanaugh says, that's the only definition I've heard for it up until these past 2 weeks. Other people say it means fucking. I can tell you one thing, it sure as shit doesn't mean farting. In fact, if you were boofing, the last thing you'd want to do is fart--however you define the term.
My neighbor asked me to explain the process of boofing (or plugging as I prefer to call it, as it sounds less disgusting) which I will do now (in case you ever find yourself in need of this information):
Prep: make sure your colon is clear of shit--use an enema if you haven't shit in days due to opioid induced constipation.
Step one: take an ORAL syringe, fill it up with water, put finally crushed drugs into container of some sort (I prefer to use a shot glass) or if it's black tar, mix water and heroin in cooker and heat until it is well mixed (do not let boil, or some will evaporate).
Step two: apply some lube to the syringe if desired for a smoother insertion. Then pull your pants down and get onto your hands/knees. (If the water was heated to dissolve the drugs, wait a minute or two for it to cool down--don't want to burn your rectum.)
Step three: insert syringe until the barrel is fully inside your asshole, the only part still sticking out should be the plunger.
Step four: depress the plunger until it hits the end of the barrel.
Step five: slowly remove the syringe, in order to keep the liquid from seeping out.
Step six: lay down on stomach/side for about 15 minutes to make sure that you don't loose any due to seepage.
There you have it: a thorough explanation of what/how to boof drugs. It is my preferred method for any drug that cannot be taken orally or intranasally. I no longer IV drugs, so (the few times I have taken heroin) I use this method instead. It's extremely effective, has a quick onset of action, and a great bioavailability!
Overall, I highly recommend it!
My neighbor asked me to explain the process of boofing (or plugging as I prefer to call it, as it sounds less disgusting) which I will do now (in case you ever find yourself in need of this information):
Prep: make sure your colon is clear of shit--use an enema if you haven't shit in days due to opioid induced constipation.
Step one: take an ORAL syringe, fill it up with water, put finally crushed drugs into container of some sort (I prefer to use a shot glass) or if it's black tar, mix water and heroin in cooker and heat until it is well mixed (do not let boil, or some will evaporate).
Step two: apply some lube to the syringe if desired for a smoother insertion. Then pull your pants down and get onto your hands/knees. (If the water was heated to dissolve the drugs, wait a minute or two for it to cool down--don't want to burn your rectum.)
Step three: insert syringe until the barrel is fully inside your asshole, the only part still sticking out should be the plunger.
Step four: depress the plunger until it hits the end of the barrel.
Step five: slowly remove the syringe, in order to keep the liquid from seeping out.
Step six: lay down on stomach/side for about 15 minutes to make sure that you don't loose any due to seepage.
There you have it: a thorough explanation of what/how to boof drugs. It is my preferred method for any drug that cannot be taken orally or intranasally. I no longer IV drugs, so (the few times I have taken heroin) I use this method instead. It's extremely effective, has a quick onset of action, and a great bioavailability!
Overall, I highly recommend it!
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