High as I Am

I had my pain management appointment the other day. It took forever for the PA to come in--never a good sign. She immediately asked me what was wrong, how I was doing etc.., and then without much of a preface she said: "Your last drug test came up positive for morphine. Do you know why that might be?"

I could feel my heart racing. That stupid shitty poppy seed tea could be the only explanation. It didn't even get me high, leaving my legs and arms feeling like they had become thick pudding. I wanted to die right there. Slip into the floor and disappear.

"That doesn't make any sense. It shouldn't be there. I don't understand."

"I agree, it shouldn't be there." She smiled at her computer screen, as she quickly typed.

"The only thing I could think of is eating some poppy seeds muffins maybe. I do eat a lot of pastries..."

"That would come up with a metabolite for cocaine."

No. No it couldn't. Not unless you're making some new type of cocaine that I've never tried. Where the fuck are you getting your poppy seeds from, bitch? Because I know that the morphine came from poppy seed tea... not that I'd tell you that...

"I don't know then, I'm really confused."

"Well, we're going to drug test you again today. If it comes up positive or there are other anomalies, we won't be able to prescribe you anymore opioid medications."

"I understand that completely." Calm down. Steady yourself. Do not seem to buck at the prospect of paying another $140 fucking dollars for this test. Because you know you don't have the money for it, but the pills are far more important than money. Without them, you might as well lie down and plan to die.

"When do you want to do more injections?"

"I'm working down my deductible. The last ones were over $1000, so I want to wait until it'll be a little less expensive."

"I can understand that." She chuckled. "Anything else I can do for you today?"

"No, the taper is kinda hard, I'm definitely in a bit more pain than before. But I'm okay overall."

"Alright sweety," I'm not your sweety "I'll see you in 4 weeks then! Take care."

"Thanks! See you then."

I walked out and grabbed a paper bag with my name on it. The plastic cup was inside. Luckily, my bladder was so full I pissed until it started to dribble down the sides. It was nice, clear yellow--obviously I've been keeping hydrated.

I appreciate that the office gives you a paper bag to put your "specimen" in, as opposed to walking around with a lost look on my face, a cup of hot urine in hand.


To find the new dosage of my oxymorphone er, I had to drive around to a pharmacy on the north side of town. I'm down to 5mg twice a day. 50% tapered down now in a month. Tiny, round, lilac tablets all waiting to be swallowed or railed.

The other night realize now that I have no idea what the goal is at the end of this. Is it to take me off long acting opioids for good and rely solely on my oxycodone for breakthrough pain? Or is this simply meant to keep me line with the CDC guidelines? If it's the latter, then we won't need to taper down anymore--my meds are equivalent to the 90 MME (morphine milligram equivalent) which they recommend.

This whole taper has made me realize that I don't want to go off opioids. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without them. Who would I be without my chemical compatriots? What would I use as my respite from the day's many let downs?

I'm high as I type this, head heavy with the 5mg oxymorphone I shoved up my nose, and the 20mg of oxycodone I washed down with Mountain Dew right as I got in the car after work. I'm scared about what it would mean to suddenly be yanked off my drugs of choice. The withdrawal would be unbearable and scares me almost as much as the thought of sobriety. There's not enough loperamide in this world that could keep me well. My tolerance is so high that even when I tried heroin I found it to be shitty compared to my pills.

For a moment, I close my eyes and felt the world sway around me. It's amazing how much euphoria can flow through the body all at once. It swells with each drag on my cigarette. The  menthol resonates on the back of my tongue. Sugar from the gummy bears I've been eating mixes with it to create a foul chemical taste. But in my current state I barely care.

If only this state could be reached without the use of chemicals, I'd never touch a pill again. But, without them, I have no idea how to get to this place of infinite peace. That glowing pleasure that ricochets from my skull to my crotch, down my legs, and back up again. Cycling through my body in an infinite loop of joy.

I can only hope that, if you're reading this, you're (as) high (as I am right now).