I got a one dollar tip, but really it was a one dollar tip and some H. Of course, I didn't know about the H at first, but the large amount of white powder on pressed on to it had to be tested. At first I thought it was coke, judging by the crystals, but no gasoline scent or numbing quality. Now my eyes are watering and I'm feeling like a little cloud... or a large cloud. Regardless, light and fluffy! Today has worked out quite well. I hope everyone else enjoys a lucky Friday as well! I'll probably post more about this later!
Love,
Lucy
Friday, November 21, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
If everything is bigger in Texas, is addiction bigger too?
I haven't written recently because I've been in the process of a cross-country move. I have finally somewhat settled in to life here in Texas... The sky does stretch for miles, before you can see the horizon. Now it has finally become Autumn, and the outside air is crisp as the trees slowly decide to drop their leaves (most are still holding out). I have been munching kratom capsules every few hours to keep me placated without any job opportunities after applying to (I am serious) 30 jobs at least. I keep plugging along at it, both my addiction and my pursuit of a money making position.
Kratom has replaced cocaine... at least it's cheaper... and I don't awaken sobbing with a raw, bloody nose. However, I know that my daily-hourly dosing (I take between 2 to 6 grams per dose) has effected my body. When I stop, I feel slightly sick--weakness, sweats, nausea, anger, depression--so I reach back for the bag. Kratom is a legal plant which connects to opiate receptors. I would say it compares to hydro or oxy because it dose have a speedy edge on top of the glorious opiate euphoria/pain relief. I could lie and say that I only use it for my arthritis/depression, but that is not the truth (or something slightly like that).
It rushes over my head, like the waves I played in as a child, then it pulls me down, deep in my chest to my stomach. My stomach and head buzz along happily, and I don't know why this can't last forever. I don't want to do much more than drugs, and make crafts (I'm right now crocheting a beautiful elephant--I'll post it when I finish tonight!). I know that that is wrong, what we're taught to look down on, but I've always wanted to do drugs to the fullest without other life 'obstacles.' I mean, I want a job right now so that I can get out of the house, but if I won the lottery jackpot, I'd ration it out every week and use some of it to keep my fully loaded all day-everyday-24/7/365. I don't have kids, I don't have responsibilities besides myself and R. But I know that I'm not being a "good citizen" if I "choose" this path.
I sweat more and more, my body is apparently in it's own sauna. I dread going to the gym in an hour with my mother, since I will only sweat more. I've been losing weight, having gone gluten-free and working out multiple times a week. It's hard since my arthritis has been worse than it has been in years. My shoulders have become effected, and are very painful, as well as my back and knees acting up. My mother doesn't give me much of a choice, even though right now it's my time of the month and my cramps are terrible. She thinks I'm lazy I guess, but it's probably that she knows I'm horrible about starting things and never seeing them through so really it is helpful. Just today I feel like my guts are in a vice.
Life in Texas is strange...it's hard to remember that we're no longer home sometimes. R and I are sharing a rental house with my parents. It's huge, with two floors. We stay on the second floor and have a bedroom, bathroom, and an entire huge TV room to ourselves (which is awesome) as well as two bedrooms being used as storage of everyone's stuff. My parents stay downstairs with the kitchen, dining room, and a smaller TV room. The rabbit stays up in our room, while their cat roams the house. It's nice and is keeping R and I at a much more stable level than previously. My parents would have needed a house about this size anyway because of all their furniture, so we don't have to pay rent. We simply help with groceries and other things we use. It's nice having a home cooked meal and sitting at a table with my parents each night. I feel more like we're a family than I have in a long time.
R is happy to be here with us, and my parents like him a lot, so it works out quite well. R's parents are very demeaning to him, they only help to lower his self-esteem because they believed in him the most of all their children (one who got out of prison this year for selling POUNDS of coke/weed and another who is a senior in college that is more athletic than studious). However, their nice gestures do really make him feel great which makes me happy. His mother wrote him a lovely note on his birthday about how much she loves him and how he will always be her little boy (I cried with joy reading it). R is the sweetest, most caring, intelligent man, and it is more than great when his parents acknowledge this because I can feel how his heart and self-esteem swells.
I have to go make some lunch before I head to the gym, but I'll be back later to post about some other things that have happened. Also, I've been off coke since May (aka 6 months)!! It has a strong pull, but we've been able to stay away (not that I haven't wanted to fall back into its arms).
Later!
Lucy
P.S. This is a picture of R and I at a car fair in our town in TX a few weeks ago!
Kratom has replaced cocaine... at least it's cheaper... and I don't awaken sobbing with a raw, bloody nose. However, I know that my daily-hourly dosing (I take between 2 to 6 grams per dose) has effected my body. When I stop, I feel slightly sick--weakness, sweats, nausea, anger, depression--so I reach back for the bag. Kratom is a legal plant which connects to opiate receptors. I would say it compares to hydro or oxy because it dose have a speedy edge on top of the glorious opiate euphoria/pain relief. I could lie and say that I only use it for my arthritis/depression, but that is not the truth (or something slightly like that).
It rushes over my head, like the waves I played in as a child, then it pulls me down, deep in my chest to my stomach. My stomach and head buzz along happily, and I don't know why this can't last forever. I don't want to do much more than drugs, and make crafts (I'm right now crocheting a beautiful elephant--I'll post it when I finish tonight!). I know that that is wrong, what we're taught to look down on, but I've always wanted to do drugs to the fullest without other life 'obstacles.' I mean, I want a job right now so that I can get out of the house, but if I won the lottery jackpot, I'd ration it out every week and use some of it to keep my fully loaded all day-everyday-24/7/365. I don't have kids, I don't have responsibilities besides myself and R. But I know that I'm not being a "good citizen" if I "choose" this path.
I sweat more and more, my body is apparently in it's own sauna. I dread going to the gym in an hour with my mother, since I will only sweat more. I've been losing weight, having gone gluten-free and working out multiple times a week. It's hard since my arthritis has been worse than it has been in years. My shoulders have become effected, and are very painful, as well as my back and knees acting up. My mother doesn't give me much of a choice, even though right now it's my time of the month and my cramps are terrible. She thinks I'm lazy I guess, but it's probably that she knows I'm horrible about starting things and never seeing them through so really it is helpful. Just today I feel like my guts are in a vice.
Life in Texas is strange...it's hard to remember that we're no longer home sometimes. R and I are sharing a rental house with my parents. It's huge, with two floors. We stay on the second floor and have a bedroom, bathroom, and an entire huge TV room to ourselves (which is awesome) as well as two bedrooms being used as storage of everyone's stuff. My parents stay downstairs with the kitchen, dining room, and a smaller TV room. The rabbit stays up in our room, while their cat roams the house. It's nice and is keeping R and I at a much more stable level than previously. My parents would have needed a house about this size anyway because of all their furniture, so we don't have to pay rent. We simply help with groceries and other things we use. It's nice having a home cooked meal and sitting at a table with my parents each night. I feel more like we're a family than I have in a long time.
R is happy to be here with us, and my parents like him a lot, so it works out quite well. R's parents are very demeaning to him, they only help to lower his self-esteem because they believed in him the most of all their children (one who got out of prison this year for selling POUNDS of coke/weed and another who is a senior in college that is more athletic than studious). However, their nice gestures do really make him feel great which makes me happy. His mother wrote him a lovely note on his birthday about how much she loves him and how he will always be her little boy (I cried with joy reading it). R is the sweetest, most caring, intelligent man, and it is more than great when his parents acknowledge this because I can feel how his heart and self-esteem swells.
I have to go make some lunch before I head to the gym, but I'll be back later to post about some other things that have happened. Also, I've been off coke since May (aka 6 months)!! It has a strong pull, but we've been able to stay away (not that I haven't wanted to fall back into its arms).
Later!
Lucy
P.S. This is a picture of R and I at a car fair in our town in TX a few weeks ago!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)