I'm ready to leave this country. Perhaps it's simply that I need a change, and the only one I can fathom would be to find a new scene. New York is slowly become the keeper of my past life. My parents house is being sold, my family here is dead, and I am left with an ever changing world that constantly out paces my own gate.
OR am I choosing to stay stuck?
I don't know it's exact meaning, even though the feeling bares down on me. Tonight I mourned the loss of Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show. He is retiring in December, and with him die my first favorite late night tv show. It was always a Friday night treat to watch his show, starting around the age of 16, in part because I would be up late getting high--why sugar coat the truth? But I do love his show, his stand up, his writing, really he is one of my favorite celebrities. I am sad to hear about his retirement, but R pointed out that instead I should try and look forward to what he'll do next. I think that I should take the advice, coming from the most persistent cynic I know (and love).
Dublin keeps rolling around as a good city to dive into first. It is the gateway to Europe from the U.S. and one of my favorite cities overall. I don't know, our friends talk about Colorado in a few years, or maybe back to NJ. Who knows...
I want to apologize for my absence over the past few months. I have been sick since March and rolling around in a pit of physical/emotional turmoil has not felt very interesting. Some new experiences have been had, but it felt like a slog through time. This warmly lit apartment seemed more like a tomb, and my parent's house a skeleton from my past life.
Long Island calls out in the distance, for me to come fulfill my promise made at 11 years old. I imagine it like Dorthy in the field of poppies... maybe if junkies were poppies. Our friends are interspersed with them too, and our conversations often draw me into a negative line of thinking. I haven't done it yet, but I know that I am alarmingly close to making a hell of a bad life for myself. I really have been applying to jobs so that I can rebuild my self esteem. I would say that I haven't been as even keeled or as happy as I have been the past few days (even being sick) since my grandmother's passing. She is still in my thoughts a lot, I trace her reflection when I look in the mirror at my own face, and pictures of us together continue to make me weep. Weep may not be the right word, it is as if all of my life force pushes out in a forceful shower of tears and sobs, my mouth gasps, and my face leaks. I can't help it, I love her and miss her more than I have ever missed anyone.
This is my year of losses I guess. But I'm here, and I'll be back...
Don't you worry ;)
Lucy
