Another doctor down. An unforced error on my part, once again means I'm out of a pain management office. And with it a reliable source of oxy and oxymorphone.
Fuck. Once again, the high I'm chasing landed me in a hole. A deep, dark hole, that I can't climb out of without a lot of excuses to more people than I'd like.
At first, I felt good about tapering. Maybe, this had all happened for the best, and being free of opioids would be a whole new start. However, the 6 oxys I took after picking up my new taper script, made me realize one thing: I refuse to forgo my daily dose of pleasure. Fuck, I'd rather make up a million excuses and sense their side-eyed stares.
What's the point of living without a little bit of pleasure sprinkled on top?
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Pull All the Triggers
It's comical how easily, when in a heightened state, I can be triggered into diving into a bottle of pills or snorting them all up my nose. Not enough doses until my appointment, but I don't care. Fuck it, right?
RIGHT?
If I could mooch off my friends, find someone to help me cop, I would... any trace amount of H gets out of your system within 24 hours. Faster than any other opioid I know of, only followed by hydrocodone.
I took 2 sonata to help me sleep. Take the edge off my running nose, clenching fist, that sinking feeling in my stomach. Uncontrollable thoughts circle every movement. It all points to oblivion. I don't have anyone to talk about it with... all alone with these thoughts. The overwhelming current that pulls me back in.
All triggered by a fucking TV show.
I keep yawning out here, between typing and suck on this cigarette. The cold breeze keeps running across my feet. Shivers that want to run through my body,but I hold them back. Stop them up until my foot is tapping and my heart is racing and all I want is more more more more. Please god. Just enough to get me through until Thursday. To keep me high until then.
They post up all this "opioid hysteria" on TV. But is it really to make us feel better? Like we're not so alone. It could only be for those concerned families, so worried about their little Danny's and Susie's pill or H problem.
But for Lucy and Danny and Susie, all we get is a reminder of who we are. Our reflection played out by actors shivering and sniveling, but don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Please let me sleep, dream of needles and powders and pills, and I'll be good tomorrow.
I promise. Tomorrow.
RIGHT?
If I could mooch off my friends, find someone to help me cop, I would... any trace amount of H gets out of your system within 24 hours. Faster than any other opioid I know of, only followed by hydrocodone.
I took 2 sonata to help me sleep. Take the edge off my running nose, clenching fist, that sinking feeling in my stomach. Uncontrollable thoughts circle every movement. It all points to oblivion. I don't have anyone to talk about it with... all alone with these thoughts. The overwhelming current that pulls me back in.
All triggered by a fucking TV show.
I keep yawning out here, between typing and suck on this cigarette. The cold breeze keeps running across my feet. Shivers that want to run through my body,but I hold them back. Stop them up until my foot is tapping and my heart is racing and all I want is more more more more. Please god. Just enough to get me through until Thursday. To keep me high until then.
They post up all this "opioid hysteria" on TV. But is it really to make us feel better? Like we're not so alone. It could only be for those concerned families, so worried about their little Danny's and Susie's pill or H problem.
But for Lucy and Danny and Susie, all we get is a reminder of who we are. Our reflection played out by actors shivering and sniveling, but don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Please let me sleep, dream of needles and powders and pills, and I'll be good tomorrow.
I promise. Tomorrow.
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