Trying to Get Fucked

But it's never enough. Klonopin, and adderall, and kratom, and Cider: oh my...god I need to add more to this combo apparently.

....a day later....
My doctor prescribed me a transdermal buprenorphine patch for my pain. He has convinced my mother that "narcotic" medications will cause me to be in more pain because you create more opiate receptors (aka tolerance). It's hard to balance my desire to be high and pain free, I want less pain but goddamit if I'm not a junky at heart. I mean, if my option was to take like a fentanyl patch, it'd be on me in a heartbeat--but bupe is generally used for withdrawal. I have a very low opiate tolerance right now (but high enough not to feel 5mg hydrocodone), since I've been mostly using kratom, which means it should work.

It's beginning to kick in. My head feels heavy, and warm, with my plush blanket I feel completely peaceful. I think I could almost nod off if I let myself. A bit of the patch may have also fell into my mouth and has probably helped. Tingling pleasure rolls up and down my body, like tiny marbles... not as good as that immediate opiate pleasure but better than nothing.

The living room goes out of focus, the light above blurs into a halo, and my mind goes black.



Lucy

Needles and more Needles Dancing Through My Head

I imagine them, short points, long points, orange and blue caps, shoving them into any vein I can find on my left arm or maybe my thumb or maybe my forearm. There are so many possibilities, if only I could find something to IV that would work. Amphetamines and benzos that will never dissolve, better to shove it up my nose or run my head into the wall a few times and pass out. The hardest part of being in a new city is no connects for those hard to find treats. It's for the better when it comes to coke, and dope, but god I would die for some. I've heard that down here the drugs are much better with the close proximity to Mexico. My brain is drooling at the thought of this, longing for a time when the coke man could come any night at any time. All the needles around the apartment, the poppy seeds scattered on all surfaces, used alcohol swabs and q-tips--the place where we felt most comfortable. My mind seems to be waxing poetic, as I have only slept three hours since two nights ago... I fucking hate insomnia.

I didn't take any amphetamines today, so that I can sleep tonight. I long to take my clonazepam and fall deep in sleep, no chance  of awakening until tomorrow morning.

Why does the needle seem more important than what is going into it? I crave to use it, but couldn't care what for.

Rested minds may help me understand,

Lucy

On a roll with adderall!

I've been busy lately with a fucking trek to find a doctor who will help me with my hypersomnia. After multiple tests and visits, having to go to my psychiatrist because the original doctor didn't want to prescribe with the psych meds I'm on, the original prescription being 1600 a month for provigil, I am finally on adderall (40 mg a day of delicious amphetamine). This is not to say that I don't have hypersomnia--on the reg I sleep 16 hours a day. With the medication I am able to stay awake without much of a high, besides being present within my own life as opposed to asleep.

I was hoping for the joy of everyday adderall, as if it would be just like when we'd binge for days on end travelling across the city from borough to borough--dexy's 24 hour runners. I do love amphetamine and the initial rush of that pill. Before my morning dose I am lost in a thick fog, especially in the mornings, when I am unable to perform simple tasks without a great deal of confusion. It seems far less enjoyable than those far away days of reckless, drug-addled abandon. It as if the legality has somehow made the high inert.

The strange part on top of the lack of a high, is that my craving for opiates has sky-rocketed. I'm not seeing my pain doctor until the 22nd when I may be able to receive true opiates--not having to choke down capsule upon capsule of kratom. Every night, I feel compelled to swallow as many as I can, a compulsion that does result in a high and unpleasant herbal burps. My klonopin does help provide a more intense high, although I'd rather save that for panic attack (which feel as though they may be sneaking back). There are some highs and lows to this situation, but overall I feel happy to have such access at my fingertips. I do feel that the adderall kills most of the kratom high, where I cannot access the beautiful opiate euphoria that kratom brings at high doses.

I feel stupid constantly trying to reach back into my brain and pull out that sensation. I'll lay in bed and deeply focus on a point behind my frontal lobes. Maybe if I focus hard enough it'll come back to me. Regardless  I will keep trying because perseverance is a good quality, right?

-Lucy