On a roll with adderall!

I've been busy lately with a fucking trek to find a doctor who will help me with my hypersomnia. After multiple tests and visits, having to go to my psychiatrist because the original doctor didn't want to prescribe with the psych meds I'm on, the original prescription being 1600 a month for provigil, I am finally on adderall (40 mg a day of delicious amphetamine). This is not to say that I don't have hypersomnia--on the reg I sleep 16 hours a day. With the medication I am able to stay awake without much of a high, besides being present within my own life as opposed to asleep.

I was hoping for the joy of everyday adderall, as if it would be just like when we'd binge for days on end travelling across the city from borough to borough--dexy's 24 hour runners. I do love amphetamine and the initial rush of that pill. Before my morning dose I am lost in a thick fog, especially in the mornings, when I am unable to perform simple tasks without a great deal of confusion. It seems far less enjoyable than those far away days of reckless, drug-addled abandon. It as if the legality has somehow made the high inert.

The strange part on top of the lack of a high, is that my craving for opiates has sky-rocketed. I'm not seeing my pain doctor until the 22nd when I may be able to receive true opiates--not having to choke down capsule upon capsule of kratom. Every night, I feel compelled to swallow as many as I can, a compulsion that does result in a high and unpleasant herbal burps. My klonopin does help provide a more intense high, although I'd rather save that for panic attack (which feel as though they may be sneaking back). There are some highs and lows to this situation, but overall I feel happy to have such access at my fingertips. I do feel that the adderall kills most of the kratom high, where I cannot access the beautiful opiate euphoria that kratom brings at high doses.

I feel stupid constantly trying to reach back into my brain and pull out that sensation. I'll lay in bed and deeply focus on a point behind my frontal lobes. Maybe if I focus hard enough it'll come back to me. Regardless  I will keep trying because perseverance is a good quality, right?

-Lucy