I haven't posted in such a long time because of all the crazy shit going on... I'll make a list of what's changed for the most part:
- We now live in downtown Austin
- We got engaged, and legally married
- Our "real" wedding is in about a month
- I'm still working at the pharmacy and training for my exam
- Rob is being brutalized by his job, but pushing himself through to support us (that's not really new...)
....otherwise life is basically the same
It's been rather strange working in the pharmacy lately--stranger than usual that is. There's been such a large talk about addiction that my lead pharmacist and I have even discussed it a few times...which is, as you might imagine, incredibly awkward for me (luckily she can't read minds or I wouldn't have a job or my meds filled there anymore).
This past week with the death of Prince, she was saying how we (people in the pharmacy) are on the frontline to help people by not filling their prescriptions. As long as you only go to the same doctor (dirty or not), and go to the same pharmacies, no one would every suspect you had a problem--unless you come in high as balls and slurring your words or get a million downer RXs. It is true that we can see who they have been getting scripts from and if it's multiple doctors--as well as catching forged rxs.
We recently caught a woman trying to phone in 120 soma for a 25 day supply--as well as some phentermine, I guess to try and wake her up from her coma. It was apparent to me that it was a fake, not only because that sounds like a recreation of Brace New World, it was supposedly sent from someone at a doctor's office that I use. She also called in some phentermine, to help awaken her from her coma. Now, this rx was called in at 7:30, but that place barely does anything during the time they are open, so there is no way that was happening (I'm pretty sure emergency soma and phentermine doesn't exist...). Of course, the next day once we called in to the office, the doctor and DEA# were real, but they no longer worked there. I'm sure the night before when she came in to pick it up, and my pharmacist told her we couldn't dispense it because we spoke to the doctor that she was shitting her pants (figuratively). The obese woman with the fake soma RX never reappeared to find out what happened, but I wish I knew...
I was thinking about it the other day and I realized that my doctors are currently prescribing me a pharmaceutical speedball: morphine er and amphetamine er on a daily basis. I take them together in the morning, with oxy at night (sometimes in the day) to sate my cravings for the intense high I need to keep going. I don't know why it took me so long to make this connection, but I've been on this for almost a year without any thought to it.
Right now I'm laying on the suede futon under the afternoon sun flowing through our den. My mind is swimming with a content pleasure that's numbed the majority of the pain in my twisted ankle and aching back. My lower back is pulsing with some pain reminiscent of pulling the tendons or muscles around my spine... who know what I did to fuck up my back and ankle this time. Recently, my ankle has been killing me the past few days. It's snug in an ACE bandage to apply pressure and keep it in place, which keeps most of the pain at bay.
I was suddenly hit with pain running down the bone of my left hip. This is bone and neuropathy pain is the newest addition to my host of problems. Every part of my body is breaking down, powered by chemicals taken every day or injected once a week, yet still constantly in pain. I wish I was naive enough to believe there was enough medicine in the world to cut off all my pain, without ending in an overdose. Sadly, I'm aware my situation with pain is futile, maybe that's what fuels me to constantly seek out my high in the pills they give me. I get 4 10-325mg oxy everyday, along with my 2 morphine er, to help me survive the day without jumping into the abyss of suicide.
I've been able to keep working with the help of the drugs. With the opiates constantly coursing through my veins, the pain I feel I can push down to at least make it through the day as I'm standing on my feet through out the day.
The abyss swallowed me up a few minutes ago, and I came back just now. My mind was divided, part lying right below the surface of consciousness, and the rest fallen deep into a hole of strange vivid dreams or into an empty void.
On that note, I'm going to get back to enjoying my afternoon. I will come back and write more in the next few days, as there are many stories I've accrued over the past few months that I need to share. We'll see each other again soon.
Love,
Lucy
