I'm detoxing off of effexor and cocaine. Effexor is my anti-depressant. I've decided that I might as well not take it if I'm fucking myself up on drugs all the time anyway. I keep getting these nerve shocks in my brain, they feel as if someone has shot electricity through my forehead. Could also be that I beat myself in the head multiple times last night.
Yeah, I wasn't taking not doing coke well. 2nd day without it, and I've finally calmed down.
Only a fucking week and a half straight on that shit, and being away from it really makes me want to blow my brains out. That's a bad sign, or that's a good drug, depending on how you look at it. R doesn't want to believe that I'm like this, that taking me away from a drug could cause this. He blames himself, and tells me I couldn't do drugs without him. But if he didn't realize by now, if he didn't realize when I told him about my monumental pill habit in high school, if he didn't realize it when he did drugs with me, then I don't know why he'd realize now.
It makes me feel worse when he blames himself. It also makes me mad. First, I don't want anyone to feel bad for the mistakes I've made because they are MY mistakes. It also denies me any individuality or power, as if I was so stupid I would follow him off the cliff.
We can't afford to stay high forever and pay rent. But I wish we could. Maybe one day.
Stay safe
- Lucy
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