We've probably spent 1,000 bucks on coke. A week long binge between the two of us and his tax refund has come to a close. But even though we're trying to stop (so that we can see our mother's for mother's day without being tweaked out) I want more. I am getting that feeling that I used to when I would run out of oxy. That sinking feeling coupled with an unreasonable need. Unreasonable because JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE SPENT A GRAND ON GRAMS. It's our first big big big drug-money splurge. I'm working an over time week this week so we're not too concerned. And he's getting another refund check, and there is still more left of his refund.
Right now I don't give a fuck, I just want coke. I don't care that it's a horrible idea or that it will drain our bank accounts or that it'll ruin our lives or that I know I will read this one day and regret it, I just fucking want another gram.
It's good I don't have the dealers number. Or I'd have spent the money he gave me for a part of the rent. I could get 4 grams. More than enough for the weekend. He doesn't realize that I'm junky scum and when I'm plied with drugs, the scummier parts float to the surface. I fall back on being manipulative, deceitful, and greedy. The only saving grace is that I'm smart enough to have a plan to fix it. I don't think I could spend the money, but right now, if I could, I wouldddd. I guess that I mean I could.
I'm working a 50 hour week right now, which means I get over time, which means a lot of extra cash, as well as a job from my dad. Together I should have about an extra paycheck worths which is great. Hopefully I can save it... or spend it on coke.
Right now both sound good.
- Lucy
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