So Much for the Afterglow

Halloween was pretty amazing. R played a really fun show, and we saw a lot of our friends that we hadn't seen in a year. Even one of R's friends from like 5 years ago came with us, she lives near us which is sick. She's also been trying out PST. Needless to say, it was a good night of craziness, even got a taste of true Long Island hospitality, with a random car circling the show and throwing bomb-bags (yes, the ones from elementary school!) at us.

Tonight was great, as well. Another show, full of cocaine and booze and tea and weed, but great in a different way. All of my old friends were there, both in age and acquaintance, and I felt as if I was 16 once again--a teenager nipping at the heels of the older punks to get in on their conversations. I found out that my hero/mentor/role-model/king/friend of many years had been sober for 5 and a half months. To put it in perspective for you, he's double my age of 22 (so he's 44). He was a lot like myself at this age, I think, a bit out of control and lost. Most of the people around me aren't expected to reach the same goals that have been set for me (graduating from NYU early with a high GPA) by myself and my parents (who have done everything in their power to get me to succeed), or don't have the same issues with drugs that I do, so much that I feel like a lot of them don't understand the specific struggle I'm in. I want to create great work through my life, and become successful, but I know I'm only a few steps away from the gutter or an OD. If he's skirted the same difficulties and come out on top in the end, then perhaps he has some insight that I don't yet. Everyone believes I'm destined for greatness, but all I can see is my future failure. I think it's all related to the fact that while all the "doors" are open to me, I know the possible results of opening the drugs-door: OD, gutter, or stop (aka pick another door). But I don't want to open any door that will shut the drugs one completely and I don't know what career I want, so yeah... I'm trying not to waste so many days worrying about how fucked it allllll is gonna be and just enjoying being young. Maybe that'll lead me somewhere too?

We'll see... for now, we'll sleep.
-Lucy