Chasing the Dragon around the Kitchen

I was better at chasing it on the tin foil than B was. We both kept swapping between lighting and chasing, as my fingers burned holding it trying to angle it downwards.

I said fuck this, not high enough! Like a toddler who hasn't gotten the right flavor of lollypop. 

I added water to the big spoon my grandparents once used to serve up mashed potatoes--now a charred up heroin spoon. I held the flame away from it, watching it bubble but not boil. Using the syringes, the sliptip needle pulled off, I sucked up the remnants. I pulled back the plunger and watched the shit colored water fill the barrel.

Ducking into the bathroom, I got down on my knees and slipped the it into my asshole. It didn't hurt, it didn't burn like the coke had 3 years ago. I pushed down until there was nothing left.

Coming out of there, I felt R and Bs eyes watching me as I laid down on the couch. Now L was there too, getting his 1/2 gram I had picked up for him.

I felt fucked up. I felt high like I had done a ton of morphine and was now melting out of existence. My artheiric pain melted away leaving me content. I curled up on the couch so B could sit down.

He and L had water lined it--cooking it up to shoot up their noses. It made me gag after trying it, that cat piss taste at the back of my throat.

I probably plugged 1/5th of a gram--not embarrassed at the stigma of shoving a syringe up my ass, better than in my arm.

Every time my eyes would close I'd here "Lucy!" As I nodded off. Only to open them and see the 3 of them in front of the kitchen staring at me--scared I had ODd.

R was so depressed, hopeless watching me as I fell into a deep sleep. The oxymorphone and heroin pushing my eyes closed.

His brother got out of detox from h on Friday. I was the reminder that R could never escape h, and the pull it had on the people around him. I was his wife which was becoming a casualty of the opioid epidemic across the country. I was becoming another statistic.

I'm scared I'll come up positive for it in 2 days for my drug test although it'll be 3 days since I did it by then. Sunday morning was the last part I plugged and then I could be tested on Wednesday. I feel like I will be.

But what happens happens, and I'll have to live with the consequences. I am a fuck up, what can I say!?

Love you,

Lucy