The Soundtrack to Mania

 Amphetamine is the soundtrack to mania. It whistles down your spine, gently flitting across nerves, each synapse exploding in an array of colors. Words forced through my mind so fast that I have to write them down. Those peachy tablets of amphetamines hold back those daily cravings for opiates and any downers at hand.

My Valium overdose in February did nothing to stop me from hurling my body into the abyss. Instead, it made the need for greater pleasure overwhelming.

Death must be about the same. Darkness flooding my vision, consciousness falling away, and then nothing. Awakening in the hospital brought about the deepest horror I'd ever experienced. Suddenly staring at 5 days I had no recollection of or what I may have said in my semi-consciousness. My only memories are a glimpse of a faceless doctor next to a bright exam light and a nurse asking me where I was. I had lost the 2 days before I was admitted and the first 2 days I was there. 

My parents found me on the bed with blue lips, drooling, and slumped awkwardly. When they came in and saw me, I agreed that I did not feel well and that my mom could call the ambulance. Apparently, they tried to get me up and I rolled off the bed. I was lucky to avoid my head slamming into the nightstand.

In the hospital, I became overwhelming aware of an aching in the base of my stomach. I assume it's from my stomach being pumped. My body ached horribly, but they wouldn't give me anything besides offering Tylenol. The overall concern was a second overdose because of the exceedingly long half-life of Valium.

They didn't inject me with Flumazenil, a drug that blocks benzodiazepines from acting. It's an emergency drug used to reverse sedation or stop overdoses closing in on fatal. I was able to respond to questions, which made the high risk of seizure an unnecessary danger.

The withdrawal was harder on my mind than other drugs I'd come off. For months now, insomnia and sleep quickly interrupted with moments of waking, absent of dreams. I was popping Valiums down my gullet. My doctor was prescribing me up to 80mg a day--the highest daily dose I'd ever seen before. (She claims she checked it THREE times when switching me from Clonazepam. I don't honestly believe her. It could be true, but the half life is vastly different.)

The cause (or at least what I told people) was that it must have built up in my system over multiple days, before reaching a zenith and tossing me into a dreamless pit. I do not believe I admitted the full cause, or what I believe was the cause per my journal entries and last memories beforehand. A mixture of loperamide, Tagamet, Tums, and Valium stewing into a gelatinous mass, while watching my favorite Sherlock Holmes (the 80's series from Granada TV) in the guest room.

At my new pharmacy, I now work in a compounding lab. Surrounded by a variety of powders, bases, wetting agents, and flavors--brought together into 1000's of concoctions. We can provide a drug for any medical ailment you present to the over paid doctors that work with us.

We even compound ketamine and diazepam into creams, dissolving tablets, vaginal suppositories, and nasal sprays.

I can only imagine what it would be like to shove my head into the bucket of ketamine or diazepam, linoleum buckling beneath me, and being cradled by the cheap, dingy tiles. They're mostly mixed together in a variety of vaginal suppositories and creams--one of the best absorption routes in the human body. Usually used for vaginal pain (luckily not my issue), but it must cause some mental effects (beyond the usual uses for vaginal pain). 

The nasal spray I recently saw was 150mg of ketamine in each spray (I assume it's for nerve pain). It sounds like the best way to spend an afternoon paired with a hefty opiate dose. I'm sure alone it could be fun as well.

In the vein of delightful dreams, I'm hopeful now that my pain management will take me off Vicodin and onto a stronger opiate--befitting my MRI results. The recent images of my spine showed arthropathy around the facet joints from T1-T6. Essentially, the area where the nerves exit my spine are surrounded by inflammation and disintegration. I feel as if my pain is now reflected on the screen and I will be rewarded for dragging around this shit husk. It is a constant and agonizing ache, but I cannot stop myself from taking 10+ pills a day and winding up without my medication for more than 3 weeks a month. I keep at least 1 tablet to take the night before my appointment, in preparation for a surprise piss test. Although, my provider and I have a great relationship, which has allowed me to skip piss tests until the next month. Now that I've been there for a few years, without any remarkable results to speak of, she allows me to cut corners as long as she has a reason.

I'm hoping that she'll maybe switch me to oxycodone or oxymorphone. (oh God... oxymorphone. It closes in on IV fentanyl, and the nod lasts for hours on end.) The thought of grasping at bliss once again, not the strange mix of insomnia and pleasure produced by hydrocodone. I think I can swing it now and admit to her that my pain hasn't really been quelled by my current dosage. Although, that may be my own fault. However, even when I return to it after my 3 week dry spells, it never produces any type of relief. Those low doses simply goad me into taking higher doses. Handfuls of pills full of binders and fillers, with a shit amount of the active ingredient.

Fuck. I cannot believe that 4 months ago I was overdosing on Valium and now my real goal is in reach. To quote the Clash:

"Oh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It's hateful
And it's paid for and I'm so grateful to be nowhere"

I hope euphoria is close at hand for each of us!

Lucy

P.S. I can't believe I've been doing this shit for half my life, and this was my first OD. AND NOT EVEN FROM OPIATES? If that 16 year old could only imagine what the future would hold...

P.P.S. Sorry for the manic amphetamine induced writing. It is all rolling off my finger tips a bit too fast for me to moderate it.