The Soundtrack to Mania

 Amphetamine is the soundtrack to mania. It whistles down your spine, gently flitting across nerves, each synapse exploding in an array of colors. Words forced through my mind so fast that I have to write them down. Those peachy tablets of amphetamines hold back those daily cravings for opiates and any downers at hand.

My Valium overdose in February did nothing to stop me from hurling my body into the abyss. Instead, it made the need for greater pleasure overwhelming.

Death must be about the same. Darkness flooding my vision, consciousness falling away, and then nothing. Awakening in the hospital brought about the deepest horror I'd ever experienced. Suddenly staring at 5 days I had no recollection of or what I may have said in my semi-consciousness. My only memories are a glimpse of a faceless doctor next to a bright exam light and a nurse asking me where I was. I had lost the 2 days before I was admitted and the first 2 days I was there. 

My parents found me on the bed with blue lips, drooling, and slumped awkwardly. When they came in and saw me, I agreed that I did not feel well and that my mom could call the ambulance. Apparently, they tried to get me up and I rolled off the bed. I was lucky to avoid my head slamming into the nightstand.

In the hospital, I became overwhelming aware of an aching in the base of my stomach. I assume it's from my stomach being pumped. My body ached horribly, but they wouldn't give me anything besides offering Tylenol. The overall concern was a second overdose because of the exceedingly long half-life of Valium.

They didn't inject me with Flumazenil, a drug that blocks benzodiazepines from acting. It's an emergency drug used to reverse sedation or stop overdoses closing in on fatal. I was able to respond to questions, which made the high risk of seizure an unnecessary danger.

The withdrawal was harder on my mind than other drugs I'd come off. For months now, insomnia and sleep quickly interrupted with moments of waking, absent of dreams. I was popping Valiums down my gullet. My doctor was prescribing me up to 80mg a day--the highest daily dose I'd ever seen before. (She claims she checked it THREE times when switching me from Clonazepam. I don't honestly believe her. It could be true, but the half life is vastly different.)

The cause (or at least what I told people) was that it must have built up in my system over multiple days, before reaching a zenith and tossing me into a dreamless pit. I do not believe I admitted the full cause, or what I believe was the cause per my journal entries and last memories beforehand. A mixture of loperamide, Tagamet, Tums, and Valium stewing into a gelatinous mass, while watching my favorite Sherlock Holmes (the 80's series from Granada TV) in the guest room.

At my new pharmacy, I now work in a compounding lab. Surrounded by a variety of powders, bases, wetting agents, and flavors--brought together into 1000's of concoctions. We can provide a drug for any medical ailment you present to the over paid doctors that work with us.

We even compound ketamine and diazepam into creams, dissolving tablets, vaginal suppositories, and nasal sprays.

I can only imagine what it would be like to shove my head into the bucket of ketamine or diazepam, linoleum buckling beneath me, and being cradled by the cheap, dingy tiles. They're mostly mixed together in a variety of vaginal suppositories and creams--one of the best absorption routes in the human body. Usually used for vaginal pain (luckily not my issue), but it must cause some mental effects (beyond the usual uses for vaginal pain). 

The nasal spray I recently saw was 150mg of ketamine in each spray (I assume it's for nerve pain). It sounds like the best way to spend an afternoon paired with a hefty opiate dose. I'm sure alone it could be fun as well.

In the vein of delightful dreams, I'm hopeful now that my pain management will take me off Vicodin and onto a stronger opiate--befitting my MRI results. The recent images of my spine showed arthropathy around the facet joints from T1-T6. Essentially, the area where the nerves exit my spine are surrounded by inflammation and disintegration. I feel as if my pain is now reflected on the screen and I will be rewarded for dragging around this shit husk. It is a constant and agonizing ache, but I cannot stop myself from taking 10+ pills a day and winding up without my medication for more than 3 weeks a month. I keep at least 1 tablet to take the night before my appointment, in preparation for a surprise piss test. Although, my provider and I have a great relationship, which has allowed me to skip piss tests until the next month. Now that I've been there for a few years, without any remarkable results to speak of, she allows me to cut corners as long as she has a reason.

I'm hoping that she'll maybe switch me to oxycodone or oxymorphone. (oh God... oxymorphone. It closes in on IV fentanyl, and the nod lasts for hours on end.) The thought of grasping at bliss once again, not the strange mix of insomnia and pleasure produced by hydrocodone. I think I can swing it now and admit to her that my pain hasn't really been quelled by my current dosage. Although, that may be my own fault. However, even when I return to it after my 3 week dry spells, it never produces any type of relief. Those low doses simply goad me into taking higher doses. Handfuls of pills full of binders and fillers, with a shit amount of the active ingredient.

Fuck. I cannot believe that 4 months ago I was overdosing on Valium and now my real goal is in reach. To quote the Clash:

"Oh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It's hateful
And it's paid for and I'm so grateful to be nowhere"

I hope euphoria is close at hand for each of us!

Lucy

P.S. I can't believe I've been doing this shit for half my life, and this was my first OD. AND NOT EVEN FROM OPIATES? If that 16 year old could only imagine what the future would hold...

P.P.S. Sorry for the manic amphetamine induced writing. It is all rolling off my finger tips a bit too fast for me to moderate it.

Simultaneous Motor Vehicle Operation and Vomiting

He caught my gaze, when I stopped at the red light. My left hand full of vomit the texture and color of diarrhea. The dirty, tanned skin of his forehead didn’t move. No surprise registered in his eyes. A 30 year old woman, sitting in the driver's seat, puke and spittle dripping down her chin—must be a daily sight for this stoic urban-camper.

I had envisioned this scene only 15 minutes earlier while I choked down 20 kratom capsules. Their plastic shells pressed against my throat. Another sip of water was out of the question if I wanted to be on time.

Silently sliding up onto the highway from the street below, passing beneath the shoulder, up the ramp onto I-35. Those overpasses reminiscent of the highways of my childhood in NY.

That’s when I choked. A fine plume of kratom was now visible in the air. My gauge reflex, over sensitive from years of pharmaceutical & cocaine post-nasal drip, bucked as I suppressed the spasms. The violent heaving overcame any force of will I had been relying on.

A putrid mix of bile, kratom, and coffee was ejected into my lap. Tiny trails hanging from my lips.

I attempted to restrain the inevitable second round.

The cars hummed around me at 60mph, as I merged left. I imagined my will-power—always one to disappoint—could hold down the churning mix. Perhaps I could even get to the store, wipe off my face, dab water on my dress, and bury this memory in a grave of denial.

Instead, frantically realizing my body was about to eject more putrid slop, I veered back towards the off-ramp. I groped around for a receptacle other than my lap.

The next heave plopped onto my leggings. Rivulets of tears and snot clung to my nose and lips.

Stopped at the light, a final heave produces the remaining contents of my stomach. I instinctively moved my left hand to catch the last chunks erupt from my guts. My palm is now immobile, perhaps in shock, holding aloft the results of a lifetime made up of poor decisions.

Unable to decide on an appropriate course of action. (I was never taught in Driver’s-Ed the proper protocol for simultaneously operating a motor vehicle and vomiting.) I glance at my face in the rear view mirror. The brown flecked strings of vomit and snot are unmistakeable.

When I look up, he’s standing on the corner, flying a sign. His deep tan is actually a fine layer of dirt and dead skin. Our eyes meet. The embarrassment at my current state, coupled with the handful of vomit clearly visible in my raised palm, flushes my pallid face.

He doesn’t break eye contact. Whether shocked into catatonia by my predicament, inured to disgusting bodily functions, or empathically understanding  my plight, I do not know.

I wipe my hand on my dress. A layer of syrupy sickness is still on my skin as the light turns green. I pull a Uy and head for home. As I drive, I run my hand along the side of my seat to absorb the remnants. It will dry a chalky, brown.

Parked and alone with the smell of humiliation, bile, and kratom. Trepidation rushes in as I run from the car into the apartment—thankful none of my neighbors are outside to stand witness.

I strip off the dress and leggings in the bathroom, then wash my face and brush my teeth. Tears have smeared my eyeliner and mascara. I rub it off with a hand towel and study my reflection. My body glowing with that pallid, corpse-like complexion, only broken by the purple twisting scar in the crook of my left arm, emptied of all its contents at 11am on a Tuesday.

Nice People Take Drugs

The laughter would have felt real, if my head wasn’t being gripped by an unseen vice. I curled up on the bed and looked down at the electric-blue shirt stretching to contain my naked breasts—across them, in large, friendly letters, it read “NICE PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS.”

Quick flashes of light darted across the letters, until my eyes began to rattle. The end result of mixing drugs, alcohol, and a lack of sleep.

I resisted sleep as if it might stave off the sun’s fast approach.

I turned on “The Man with the Golden Arm.” The jazz beats picked up with the tempo of my pulse as I lusted after that deep euphoria—sipping on every sweet detail as if to conjure it into existence.

Without a sound my eyelids slowly fell, and then the room began to spin around me. I popped them open and the walls froze, before lowering them once more.

The jazz began to creep up. It ran through my arteries and veins until it gathered up in my chest. A wave of contentment hit me.

I never slept.

At 10am, I ripped myself off the damp sheets and checked my face in the mirror, before heading outside.

The first drag on my cigarette was delicious. I sucked the menthol smoke down, followed by another three. My self-indulgence knowing no bounds until all possible routes of pleasure have been exhausted.

Now it’s almost 10:26 and all I can feel is a deep seated loathing for the week ahead. To spend another hour behind the pharmacy counter, makes a lobotomy sound palatable.

Mosquitos are swarming my chair. As I study one attempting to land on my left leg, I see the scabs and deep scratches from the uncontrollable urge to tear off my own flesh. They dot my calf and spread across the tattoo on the top of my foot. Once more, my hand reflexively races to claw at my ankle and rips off a thick scab. 

As my neighbor walks by with her dog, and we nod politely, I realize how I must appear:

Last night’s makeup smeared on, with scabbed and bleeding legs, chain smoking, with a shirt that proclaims “NICE PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS.” The shirt’s writing is now unnecessary. I might as well walk up and introduce myself with a nice anecdote like: “Hi! One time I was shooting up, but I wasn’t fully in the vein, so I shot the mixture of water/blood/oxy back into the spoon, then I reheated it into a greenish ooze (not sure how that might help my aim), tried and failed to hit my veins multiple times, then finally gave up and shot the concoction of fetid blood and drugs down the back of my throat. Now, granted, I was 16 at the time. That’s how I got this scar,” as I unfurl my left arm. “It’s no wonder I developed that fucking abscess. There aren’t enough alcohol swabs in the world that could make that sterile. I used to lick the tips of my needle to get whatever residue clung to it. But I don’t do that shit anymore. Mostly due to the notoriously hard veins to hit on my right arm (ask any phlebotomist I’ve been to) and now the twisted mass of scar tissue running through my left one. No more needles for me! Anyway, I’m Lucy! What’s your name?”

Unlike one of our neighbors, who has loudly announced his deep abiding love for cocaine multiple times during our outdoor conversations, I prefer to keep my past and present habits to myself and a select group of friends. I mean, I love cocaine too, but I don’t think it’s necessarily what I want to let everyone in the building know.

Even at the party the other night, a fleeting trace of disgust would flicker across the faces of the drunken people opposite me. But I continued talking; Amphetamine and alcohol working together to spring my mouth so wide I couldn’t shut it. 

An overwhelming desire to sleep is moving in to overtake the receding traces of last night. And with it, maybe it can wash away the growing embarrassment over the night before.

Regardless, I stand by my shirt.

Lucy

P.S. If you’d like to leave me a comment, it would make my day. Who doesn’t love a little small talk with new friends?

Girl with the Golden Arm

Overwhelmed; under the freezing air chilling the sweat on my arms and the burning fire under the damp sheets, I can’t sleep. Again trapped in the rhythms of insomnia, wrapped in semiconsciousness. 

I pull myself off the bed, and trudge until folding down onto the sofa. How many time’s have I found myself in this position? Across years and states and continents, full of regret, self-loathing, and unbearable urge to tear out of my skin.

The pills are supposed to last a month. Each month, I plan to control myself. And each month, the bottle is empty within 5 to 6 days. My liver aches from processing a daily overdose of Tylenol.

An unknown number of hours  and 90mg of amphetamine later, daylight has crept up and left us. It’s nighttime and I’m in a friend’s house. At one moment, drinking down champagne, mixing with the stomach acid and pills. In another moment, talking about how I got this scar on my left arm. Even after 14 years, I never expect the grimaces staring back.

We were meant to be dressed as “what would make your 16 year old self proud.” If 16 year old me could witness this: alive (never even overdosed in 14 years), married to a sexy punk guy, still fucked up, and at a party. I’d be pleasantly shocked I think. I spout off the old line that I learned as a teenager “no one experiments with drugs, we’re not fucking scientists.”

 I planned my outfit days before: wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt—he’s high on heroin, needle hanging limply from his arm, a spoon by his feet. It was from Trash and Vaudeville when it was in its original location on St. Marks. It’s the short sleeves that bring me back, as I look over at my arm. Proudly showing it to them all, pointing out I was doing this shit before all those followers of my generation, popping pills with their friends—I found the pills, the needle all by myself. And I knew at that age it was not a truth to be shared freely. That I was a “shande”—a shame, even if my parents didn’t know. But now I can wear it like a badge around them. I tell them that the only person allowed to call me a “junky” is me—recalling the one time someone else bestowed that title upon me while 18 and living in Paris.

The conversation keeps rolling back around. The amphetamine and alcohol are chugging along. I would kill for a line, and I’m tempted to ask someone. Coke would really keep me going. Right now, I’m dragging and don’t want the high to end.

Uppers. What a bad idea. At least with opiates I’m asleep by the time it’s fading out. But right now I’m wide awake, but it’s wearing off fast.

Somehow it’s 2:26am and we’re all needing to leave. Someone in the house has to be at work in 3 hours. R and I speed out in the night. He doesn’t  drink now—the angel to my demon.

We get home, pop another 30mg of amphetamine, and put on Rocknrolla. Then we fuck in as many ways as man knows how. By 5am, the amphetamine begins to wear off but I don’t want it to quit. I want to speed along forever. This is the fucking vicious circle. 

Goddamn I wish I had some coke. Or pills. Or h.

Another 30mg of amphetamine will suffice for now.

But I’m the fucking girl with the golden arm. The only come down I’ll have from this mess is kratom. A fucking lowly high compared to the ones I’ve had, but it’ll have to do for now. I’d tongue fuck the inside of my old pill crusher if I thought I could get more than a false hope out of it. But the plastic in there is barely dusted.

Another 30mg later and I’m once more in love with the night. It’s a velvet blanket that wraps us in its smooth, dark embrace. If only I could steal myself away in it forever.

The pill crusher is lost in the apartment (i do a cursory search). Licking my old 2$ bill, mirror, and razor blade is what I get instead. My tongue goes numb from the birthday gift a friend gave me 4 months ago for my 30th, still enough dust left to do that. She’s given me that same fluffy white gift for the past 2 years. It’s one of the few gifts I’m never disappointed to get again.

But now R is back from smoking his cig. We’ve put on Snatch. He falls back on the bed and I crawl on to him. I run my fingers through his short, bleached hair stamped with leopard spots. We fuck again until we collapse in a sweaty pile of limp limbs. 

The impending hangover is coming over my head—teasing at my temples before tightening the vice around my skull. Only two pills left—at least one needed for the drug test in 2 weeks—so I could take one pill to promote the false hope of a high or swallow 35 grams of kratom and some tizanidine. I’ll go for the latter and save my pills for the drug test. Without them, there won’t be anymore.

Perusing my medical chart online, I read over the diagnosis section. In clear letters it said “opioid use disorder,” neatly in line with my other conditions. Yet they still write me scripts. They barely touch the pain or scratch my itch, but I’m terrified of losing it entirely. Those chalky little fuckers do perpetuate my habit, mixed with kratom, amphetamine, and nicotine. Sometimes, it seems pointless to keep it up, when the kratom gets me more fucked up than they do. But they’re cheaper and I don’t have to gulp down 40 at a time.

I miss the days of Oxymorphone and oxycodone, but I’ll take hydrocodone if I have to. I’ve looked into methadone clinics because I’m so tired of this merry go round. For right now, this is easier. And I know what I am, even if I put up a good front. Now it’s time to slug some of those big capsules down and maybe tumble into sleep.

Your girl with the golden arm,

Lucy

Secret Pills and Where to Find Them

There have been a handful of times I've felt the itch at work. Unlike in the bathrooms of anonymous relatives and acquaintances, I have to restrain my fingers from scurrying off with them carefully stashed in my day planner or pants pocket. The desire has never overcome my fear of being caught, the knowledge that the fleeting high does not trump the possible punishment--a fact that always eludes me in my private life. Behind the counter, it's always another story.

Pouring out the 60 gram vial, I laid all the tablets and capsules on the counter. A cocktail of medications to heal ailments from the ache in your temples to the fungus on your feet. They had dropped or met some other unsanitary end before being put aside for destruction. Delicately placing each pill in its own plasticine bag, I began the arduous task of identify each of them. 200 pills to study and search for in the drug identifier. Most were mundane, synthroid, dicyclomine, metformin, I plodded along printing labels and sticking them on bags. I was bored with the whole task, numbed and slightly annoyed the store had let so many pile up. It must've taken years of laziness to drop this many pills on the ground and not identify a single one.

Two gray tablets, smooth, perfectly round, with a score on one side, and the number 20 embossed on the other. I typed it up, and felt a sizzle shoot through my spine when the results appeared. It was oxycodone 20mg, in my hand, and I was the sole purveyor of this knowledge. No one in the rest of the pharmacy had any idea of my discovery. I could've simply slid them into my calendar without a second thought and carried them out with me. My ears flushed as I dreamt of the euphoria I would receive for my slight indiscretion. Then, I pushed it out of my mind, deciding to come back to the idea.

I continued to search up more pills, slap labels on them; rinse and repeat. Once more I got a chill, as I found another oxycodone in my pile of goodies. The devil standing to my right whispered that I could easily get away with this. Off in the corner, labeling and bagging hundreds of drugs for destruction, as everyone else stayed immersed in the prescriptions piling up around them and the incessant ring of the phones.

After the oxycodone, I found an adderall. This was more of a shock than a joy. I had no desire to take it, but was simply startled at the quantity of schedule II drugs they had strewn about the floor.

The risk felt far too great, if I were to be caught. Perhaps I could lie and tell them it had ended up under my notebook, and I hadn't noticed. Not like anyone was going to flip through the pages.

I shoved all my desires down and drowned them out with the likely hood of arrest, or at least termination. Without thinking for too much longer, I printed out their labels, slapped them on the little clear bags, and handed them over to the pharmacist. He cocked an eyebrow in surprise at my finds, or maybe it was my honesty. Either way, it still leaves my heart heavy to imagine those drugs burned up and destroyed, so that no one would enjoy them. A lifetime of nights spent high going up in flames.

Keep an eye on your demons and good luck.

Love you,
Lucy

Another Unforced Error

As per usual, an unforced error on my part has sent me scrambling to find a new doctor... I fucked up, coming up positive months ago for morphine in my urine screen due to some poppy seed tea. Then, apparently, I also hadn't come up positive for oxycodone in my urine... whoops. That's because I was taking it before I got close to my testing dates. Although, I'm shocked that it wouldn't be in there at all, given that I've been on these meds for years and even a couple days without it shouldn't remove it entirely from my system.

That hot flush smacked me, as I felt all the blood enter my face. Luckily, R had driven me and was in the room when the conversation occurred. Imagine the horror of having to explain that whole experience to my parents. I can't even process that thought.

I've decided to call my doctor before him, who kicked me out because I came up positive for coke twice. However, he told me that it was just a "trial separation," and I could come back if I didn't like my new doctor. That's one way of putting it.

He's the best doctor I've had since I moved out here, and would really prefer to go back to seeing him. I'm nervous about calling him tomorrow and asking to come back. The concern that he'll tell me no is there--it is an overwhelming fear I have. The anxiety I feel about calling is nothing compared to what I feel about getting off opioids. The pain and withdrawal looms over me, as I know that, unless I call or find a new doctor, that'll be my fate.

---

4 days later and I still haven't called. Perhaps I'm simply putting off the inevitable or facing the true dire situation I've set up.

To Taper or not to Taper

Another doctor down. An unforced error on my part, once again means I'm out of a pain management office. And with it a reliable source of oxy and oxymorphone.

Fuck. Once again, the high I'm chasing landed me in a hole. A deep, dark hole, that I can't climb out of without a lot of excuses to more people than I'd like.

At first, I felt good about tapering. Maybe, this had all happened for the best, and being free of opioids would be a whole new start. However, the 6 oxys I took after picking up my new taper script, made me realize one thing: I refuse to forgo my daily dose of pleasure. Fuck, I'd rather make up a million excuses and sense their side-eyed stares.

What's the point of living without a little bit of pleasure sprinkled on top?