I am sorry for the lapse, I was sleeping perhaps. And now I wish I was, the bile rising in my throat, and electricity running down my bones, and nothing until sunday maybe.... I had just been using Kratom but it's still an opiate antagonist, and if I can't find any seeds tomorrow it's going to get real.
The Warriors play in the background, and I wonder what my mother would think of this. This sickness that I'm consumed by and how hard she had to work to support me up through it, when all she wanted to do was raise me.
But I didn't slit my wrists yesterday so I guess I'm doing okay. R threatened suicide, but I couldn't leave our bunny rabbit all alone, no, that would be irresponsible because he deserves better. I maybe a piece of shit, but I wouldn't leave him without both of us. And now that there is no threat of suicide, and I'm starting to feel sick, all I want is a bag--even that thick erotic heat, as if to taunt my nausea more.
My tongue goes dry, almost numb as the last of my kratom kicks in and my head feels heavy and loose. Maybe I'm just sick from sugar.
Please just let me find some more seeds, amen.
-Lucy
Time to go for Subutex.
ReplyDeleteIt will help you get your shit together, and figure out where you are going.
You scared me. I 50% figured you were on a run and 50% figured the run might have gotten you.
If you need help finding a Sub doctor, I can help.
I don't know, I'm okay where I'm at, and I don't know if I want to change yet. But I'm sorry for being so absent, I wasn't sure what was going on with me or if it was even interesting.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)