Pushing

All the feelings
down the hole they go
with the pills
and the tea
and the weed
and the speed
and anything
that will keep me from dealing with any of the shit that bubbles up from my guts when the memories sprout up like weeds between my pretty poppies, the only thing to do is to nourish the garden with more seeds
and pretzels? No, they're for my stomach virus, so I can keep some food in my gut.

------2am unable to sleep, smoke heavy air----------

R is asleep, snoring rhythmically in the other room while I watch "Naked and Afraid" and puff on a bowl. He might be fired tomorrow because they don't care that he has a stomach virus, but blame him for missing 3 days of work even though he is simply very sick. His boss has basically been trying to get him to quit by making his work-life miserable, so him getting fired would be a  good thing. My parents think so too, and would help support us--thank Jesus for denial. I feel like I might vomit, which would be funny since earlier I cheered on R vomiting; congratulations on his first opiate induced vommiting fun, or maybe the virus, but who can tell. oh oh oh oh my stomach hates me, but the weed and the Bentyl keep it bay. Who knows for how long, but at least one more night right, 6 more hours please that's what I need, just a little more....why is there never enough of everything?

This show is fucking ridiculous. Every time I watch (okay, so only like 2 or 3 times late at night) I question why anyone would agree to do this. I guess everyone tests themselves in some ways, and for them it is as close to dying as they can get, I do the same thing but use a different method.

It's all the same in the end,

Life keeps going.
Time continues.

Baby, it's alright!

-Lucy