Winter Time

"You need them." He snapped.
Anger began boiling in my stomach, 'don't tell me what I need or don't need, I've been handling my own use just fine for six years thanks, I got it down,' so I said "No, I just want them. I want them for today." I'm waiting for my usual source to arrive for Oz, so I gotta go to get some expensive shit. There are some other morfiends in the area who are also always on the hunt, so sometimes stock can get pretty low.

I don't feel guilty... or at least I try to push it down as much as possible.

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The comedown, so sickeningly long and inevitable, it reminds me why I cling to my small bits of normalcy. But everything will get better, it always does. And one day I will too.

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Sunday mornings and Sunday nights are so melancholy for me, knowing the weekend will soon be over and back to all the troubles of work and bills and life. It's funny because I work when I want, so I will have to work later; it's something I've held on to since being in grade school (my mom called it the "Sunday blues").

I haven't done coke in over a month and I've stopped the tea for the past few days (because there isn't anymore). But this speed is picking me back up, and I don't feel as drained as I did a few minutes ago. All that remains is my headache and my picking up energy levels. The TV is showing some movie with Bill Murray--playing every camp counselor I ever looked up to. I try and pretend I don't feel guilty about anything because I have nothing to feel bad about. I remind myself we've done it for millions of years, and that's why our brain responds to it and that life is merely a state of being. The past few weeks have been mostly focused on staying afloat and getting ready for the holidays. I hope that they are fun and that it is a nice break from reality.

I feel my age the way someone double my age might, or is that my actions weigh heavier than those of my peers. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? It's like I'm trying to prove to everyone I'm an adult, but really want to be treated like a child because I don't know what to do. I guess it all falls into place and everyone gets used to it as time goes on or something.

If life is a state of being, and I intend to fill it with pleasure as much as possible (because I prefer pleasure to pain as I experience it), and so isn't that what's most worth while? I mean, that's not to say I don't enjoy being able to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, or a warm place to sleep, or somewhere to call my own, I am fortunate to have kept it going this long, even though I know it will all evaporate eventually. But no matter what, we live and die all the same, aren't we both so lucky to be alive at all?


Lucy