In the Eye of the Beholden

The muscles in my body are tense as my intestines spasm. The heavy rains last night have brought out cooler weather; a nice respite from the scathing Texas sun. It's 10pm, so I'm sitting outside for one of my nightly chain-smoking sessions.

I've been out of oxy for 3 days. The computer keeps trying to correct it to "oxygen"--which it might as well be. The Opana ERs only work so well. I used 2 small batches of poppy tea on Saturday to help ameliorate my cravings. It worked. I felt high and relaxed all day. The closet I've been to nodding out in a month at least. One more day to survive until Doctor day. It's like Christmas once a month.

He's changing me from the Opana ER 10s to the generics, hopefully. I've heard you can snort/shoot them, which gives me giddy anxiety. One of the blessings of Morphine ER was that it has almost no recreational properties--snorting it is useless, oral is useless, plugging it worked a little bit. Overall, it's shitty. Opana can be graded down into plasticine chunks, but trust me, it's not something I really want to stick up my nose. Even in alcohol it was a gelatinous mess. The oxymorphone is combined with polyethylene glycol (aka Miralax) which it allows it to dissolve slowly over 12 hours. It was basically abuse proof besides taking extra at a time.

This was good. I couldn't abuse my extended release pills, which I need to keep me mobile on a daily basis. It meant I wouldn't run out early--ever. But now, staring down the possibility of a bunch of oxycodone and amusable oxymorphone, I know what I'll do. I'm very aware that I'm an idiot and will snort or shoot away whatever I can get away with doing.

I haven't shot up drugs since we were doing coke in Queens--3 years ago? But old habits don't die hard, they hibernate. I think about it a lot. More than I admit to anyone. There's no one who I know that both understand and won't talk to other people about it.

When I got the flu shot the other day (which it is time to get everyone! get your flu shots!), I saw the needle and I got a big giddy. I couldn't help but look at the needle as he pushed down on the plunger. Even a fucking vaccination gives me a rush. I love giving myself my weekly injection because I get that fucking rush. It's great if I can perfectly time it so my meds hit me right when I'm doing the shot--one part physical high and one part mental high. Hey, as long as I feel good I don't care how it works.

Anyway, I'm hoping that Wednesday I'll get the oxymorphone er and get to have a bit of fun that night... but you know, not too much. Never too much.

Fuck it. I have a naloxone kit for a reason (not really going to over do it to that extent, don't worry, I'm not suicidal. If you're dead you can't get high).

Love,
Lucy