Lope a' dope

Monday 12p

God, those malicious thoughts trickle in until I'm drowning in lust.

I am a junky. I don't care what I toss in my body as long as it works. By that I mean, gets me fucked up. I pray those 24 Immodium ADs I took will do the trick. Only down now to 1 10mg oxymorphone er, divided into 2 pieces: 1 for tomorrow before work, 1 for tonight around 4pm. I'll snort the 1 tonight, heightened by the Immodium blocking the opiate receptors in my bowels.

After only 20 minutes right now, I can feel those tiny tablets kicking in, my head going blank and heavy. The weight of a thousand bowling balls on the back of my neck. Eyes cross and uncross.

This morning at 2am I woke up with the ominous feeling that I would soon be doubled over on the toilet, cursing my existence. I refused to get up until 3 am when I began to worry I'd be shitting the bed. By the time it was 4, and I'd left, I was overwhelmed with disgust for what had flooded out of me. Sweating and shitting all the chemicals out of my system. Left to wonder whether once all the chemicals were gone, what would even be left?

The lope makes it almost bearable. Its long half-life and affinity for the receptors in the guts manage my worst symptoms. It keeps me from diving off the edge and hunting for another way to take the edge off. If only I could control myself, this wouldn't happen every month. But, who am I kidding, that would require self-control--and I have none.

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Saturday 11:11am

The doctor appoint on Tuesday was a repeat of the month before, and the month before that. The repetitive farce ad infinitum.

The PA's smile was kind, framed by straight auburn hair down to her chest. Cherubic cheeks highlighted her youth, she might be 35, but well below 40.

"We talked at the last time appointment about tapering your dosage down to be more inline with the recommended 90 morphine milligram equivalent. And right now you're at 120. Have you thought about which medicine you want to reduce?"

I understood every word she said. I'd done the calculations before on the app on my phone, the CDC's opioid calculator for morphine milligram equivalency per day. Both my 4 oxycodone/apap 10/325 per day and my 2 oxymorphone er 10mg are equal to 60mg of morphine, respectively. A small part of me was interested in lowering my dose. Perhaps the lower the dosage goes the less of a junky I am. Is that how it works?

"I think we could try going down on the oxymorphone er."

"Okay. Now you'll be taking 7.5mg twice a day. That'll bring you down to 105MME. And then once you're doing well on that, we can talk about the next step. This will also mean you can your Percocet at 4 times per day."

"Sounds great."

"Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"Nope. That's it. I have enough refills on my tizanidine (my muscle relaxer)."

"Okay, great. I will need a urine sample today."

Thank fuck I didn't take anything this week that would show up. Being a good girl means never having to worry about coming up positive on a urine screen.

"Alright."

"Once you're done, you can go out and make an appt for 4 weeks from now."

"Sound good. Thank you!"

"You're welcome! Have a nice day."



I'm concerned about tapering down. But, at the same time, happy I can keep my Percocet dosage. The oxymorphone high produces a much stronger nod. Unable to control it, I find myself jolting awake on the patio most nights, worried the neighbors have seen me. It's an unmistakable scene to anyone who isn't naive about the drug world.

The oxycodone high is more euphoric. A blissful warmth of euphoria wrapping it's loving arms around me. Without that, what would be the point? It's the soothing balm to my daily battle to keep returning the pharmacy and the abuse by my boss behind the counter as well as customers on the other side of it.

Without R, I would have no reason to fight my own desire to stay in bed and never leave. But that pills make it possible, physically and mentally, to press on.

Let's hope this taper doesn't make that impossible.

All the best,
Lucy