Self-Control and Lack Thereof

The bottle looks curiously empty. Well, 1/4 full is more exact. I could count the pills.

But once you know the number, then it all becomes real. The anxiety sets in. How will I make it to the end of the month? How will I work? How will I get high?

With 2 weeks to go, I shouldn't be this low. I've been rationing down to 2 pills per day since I noticed it. I've actually had enough self control to stick to it, too. It's a skill, shoving down those most intense impulses in the moment, that I mostly fail at practicing.

Right now, my left nostril clogged full of oxymorphone, only one oxycodone for after work, yet I've stuck to my goal. I haven't taken another oxycodone from my dwindling supply. Each drag of my cigarette only intensifying the opiates storming through my nervous system. The mosquitoes are eating me alive as I sit out here in front of our apartment. I hope they all overdose from the chemicals in my blood.

My best friends from home are coming out for the 6 days right before my appointment. I can't be in pain or withdrawal while we're hanging out and enjoying the city. It's the only reason I'm working hard to control myself. I don't want to ruin the time that they're out here, crumpled on the toilet, intestines ready to explode from my asshole, sweating out the chemicals I stuff down my throat and nose, unable to function beyond breathing and shitting. It's one thing to put myself through that hell, it's another to take away from the short time I have to see them. It'll be the first time since my wedding that we'll be together--and I can't wait!

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I took 800mg of Cimetidine (brand name Tagamet) to potentiate the oxymorphone and oxycodone. It is working perfectly. There are perks to be a pharmacy tech, one of them is a nuanced understanding of how drugs are metabolized. In this instance, cimetidine works to inhibit the enzymes that breakdown oxycodone and excrete it. This allows more of the drug to build up, producing a better high. Oxymorphone is broken down into oxycodone--thus both drugs are now building up to perfect levels in my blood stream. The spot in the center of my forehead is overwhelmed with those calming effects that only opiates can bring. Each cigarette drag another torrent of dopamine rushes through my spine. I'm sweating from the muggy Texas heat, even though it's already 5:48pm. But in this state it's almost bearable.