Instincts

Something has changed. Today, waiting, I felt no excitement about the drugs, just a nauseous, scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. I recognized it immediately: soon the game will be up with my parents. I know shit is about to go down in our lives. It's funny; being 22 and still fearing my parents will know what I'm doing (because they still help me with rent;/medical expenses since I've only been out of school a few months). The dude hasn't gotten back to me yet, so R and I might not get anything. I don't want to do anything with a feeling like this hanging over me--it'll only lead to........The Dude called, a wash of fear and excitement washed over me, and instinct took hold. I didn't even realize what I had done until the words were out of my mouth, and he was telling me that he'd be here in a few hours, if we were still waiting. WHAT ELSE WOULD WE BE DOING? I feel like vomiting--better to hold it in, let me burn the insides of my stomach. JESUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Sometimes I think I wish my parents would just call me out, give me any extra reason to help me say no because I can't seem to get myself to. Its hard knowing they believe the best in me and that's why they're screwed.