Jealous Twin

Highhhher than a motherfucker. I guess we're back on coke. We've been plugging it, which is kind of messy and burns, but it is a lovely feeling once the coke sets in (the actual process is kind of horrible, especially the fear of pooping on R). I do want to shoot some, but I hate trying to find a vein now. The bruises are way too obvious with my friends; I hate the look they give me that says "I know you're back on drugs."

One of our close friends has a new problem with xanies. This is bad because he's had a problem with alcohol for a long time, so he now mixes his whiskey with xanies. My friends dad OD'ed from that combo, as many others have. It's really troublesome, and it feels hypocritical to worry, but at least we don't mix drugs known to cause death. I'm all for getting high, but I don't want to die or my friends to. He is a great guiatrist and has a really great heart, but that doesn't mean he won't OD. That's a big fear for me now... 6 years, and never having had one, I feel like it's only a matter of time. As my dad always says, "it's not if you fall it's when"--and I think the same is true of drugs.

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Ephedrine pumping through me and I feel good. I like it mostly for it's CNS effects, my body feels fucking good. The cocaine trail ended last night, with restless sleep for hours and hours. R called out of work, saying he was sick. We're worried he's going to get fired. The worst part is that his dad works with him, and is a total hardass. He has really driven into his head that he is a complete fuck up, and makes anything he does that is bad come off as if he murdered puppies or something. For someone who has bipolar, it is really fucked up treatment. He already beats himself up all the time for just being him, so the emotional slaughter that his parents creates only makes things worse. It's hard to watch because I love R more than I've ever loved anyone. We really understand each other and  are super interconnected emotionally, so any blow to him crushes me too. I would do anything to keep him happy and alive and with me, and he would do the same for me. He's actually the reason that I stopped cutting/burning/hitting myself and why I promised not to kill myself. Antidepressants made it really easy for me to try it before, so I'm being careful not to let myself get that way again. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning because I finally have a future I can look forward to, knowing he'll be there with me.

I ordered some Kratom today.  I do love that stuff. It is great for keeping cravings away and getting you high as balls. It is an opiate antagonist, so it feels like some hydro or some oxy. Sometimes you have to take a lot though to get any effects, so even buying a substantial amount can result in very quick finish if you binge them (which is now the only way I seem to take drugs).

I would say the whole binging problem is really what's made my drug problem so bad the past 2 years. Even when I was just smoking weed and sniffing benzedrex inhalers, I'd smoke until I was gone--my head now full of warm, smokey, heaviness. The benzedrex made me talk like crazy in classes, which wasn't horrible besides sometimes making me a bit embarrassed about my domination of the discussions. Speed is great and horrible in binges... you love it when it's happening but by the end you're a tweaked out frazzled mess. Together we can go through about 600mg of addies in 5 days (tops, sometimes only 4). It's badddd, but great. We do get a lot of stuff done then. Cocaine is the worst because it is so expensive, so if you binge it gains horrible momentum. Thinking about it makes you want more and more to keep out the calculations of how much money you've thrown away on powder euphoria. Even with opiates, which I used to having super-human control with, I down 30 percs in a week now when I get my hands on them. Poor R, he left me with a few roxies last year and I did almost all of them without him because I couldn't stop myself. He isn't to into them, so he wasn't very upset.

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My jealous twin is coming out... the sober half of me, who craves coke. It's all around my brain now, and all I want to do is shoot a little tiny bit. R doesn't want me to do it because our first time we both got super sick--we think it's because of the cut. We both had a horrible 8 hour time, vomiting and sweating and shitting. I remember crying sitting on the toilet, as I shit into the bowl and leaned over the shower to vomit. R appeared and began vomiting as well into the bathtub. It was like a nightmare. Then he vomited on the yoga mat, unable to make it back to the bathroom, after laying down for a bit. But I know it'll feel amazing. I just want it. NOWNOWNOWNOW. Put it in my veins and let me go.