UGH. Going sober after doing drugs for weeks on end, is like taking a 14 hour flight between time zones (I've taken a few of those in my short life). It's like being sucked into a void that has no real time, no space, isolated, hurtling silently through the dark night sky. Within a plane full of people, I feel completely alone. The humming of the aircraft engines fills my ears, and I'm caught, awake and contorted into an airplane seat, waiting, forever waiting, for it to land.
I just want to get coke. I am not into being sober. We just smoked the last of our weed. I feel annoyed that my brain keeps looping: LET'S GET COKE. LET'S GET COKE. LET'S GET COKE. But I'm keeping that inside, so that we can stop this maddness.
WHY CAN'T WE BE REGULAR JUNKIES AND LET THIS SHIT FALL WHERE IT MAY?
Because our parents will know. My parents will know or his will and we will be fucked. I know if they find out we will be dragged apart, off to rehabs, and maybe never find each other again.
We've now spent a third of our rent money... I won't be able to pay it until I get paid again, next Friday, so it'll be late, but at least it won't bounce. I'd rather send in a late check, than have one bounce.
I realized that if we have kids, we'll be combining two fucked up lines, into one child. One child that will most likely be sickly, mentally ill, drug addict, but really sexy and smart. Or maybe, this child will be the one that breaks the mold, and does the exact opposite, becoming a doctor or lawyer like all of our parents wanted for us. I was wondering last night if we shouldn't have any, and just live our lives however we want for the rest of time. Then again, I'm not in a very good head space right now.
Once I discovered that I could be a high-functioning junky, that I could play good citizen, and do whatever the fuck I wanted, I never wanted a different life. I just hope that my patience lasts through the day, and that seeing R's family later goes smoothly.
Let's hope I make it to day 2,
- Lucy
P.S. If anyone is reading this, and wants to say "hey!" that'd be awesome. I'd love to know someone was reading this.
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